I feel like I can’t talk about how distressing the experience has been for me, because my partner has had to experience so much more than me. Am I supposed to feel like this?

Emily Power-Smith - Sexologist & Educator

“It’s a very common way to feel. AND you deserve a space to process your own experience and feelings. This could be a good time for some individual or group therapy. Once you’ve processed your own feelings you may feel more able to discuss with your partner. That can be a very connecting experience when the time is right.”

Yvonne O’ Meara - Psychosocial Oncologist & Systemic Psychotherapist

“In a cancer setting the partner can often be referred to as the silent patient, while not having the diagnosis of cancer they experience the fall out similar to the patient. You are not alone in your position and finding someone to talk to (family member, friend and or therapist) can be very helpful at this time.”

My partner won’t undress in front of me anymore. What can I do to make things more comfortable?

Emily Power-Smith - Sexologist & Educator:

“Talk to them. Tell them you love them and you’re attracted to them. Ask if there is anything you can do to help them to feel safer or more comfortable naked in front of you. For example, getting undressed in front of you may not be the first step, but rather the destination. You may need to find a few more steps to try before that one. Find out what getting undressed in front of you meant and now means to them. Give them plenty of time to reflect and have the conversation many times. Things change as time goes by so it’s alway important to keep checking in.”

My partner is experiencing Menopausal symptoms and I feel like she’s a different person. Is this normal?

Emily Power-Smith - Sexologist & Educator

“It sure can be! She may need to visit a menopause specialist to discuss options around HRT for example. Mood swings are a big part of the hormonal rollercoaster many people with wombs experience. But it’s very likely that there is help to be had. You might approach it from the point of view that your person seems to be suffering more than usual and maybe there’s help. You could also offer to do some research and/or help to make an appointment. Overwhelm is a very common part of menopause which can make getting help feel like a mountain to climb.”

What are the main issues that affect partners of those with cancer?

Yvonne O’ Meara - Psychosocial Oncologist & Systemic Psychotherapist

“A partner, or significant other, can often be referred to as the silent patient. While you do not have a cancer diagnosis the practical, psychological and emotional impact of the diagnosis in your world can often be similar. Taking care of yourself during this time is really important. Making time to do the things that give you a break from your caring role will facilitate the restoration and preservation of your mental and physical health. Making time to pamper yourself with activities such as reading, knitting, taking walks, playing your favorite sport, booking into a spa whatever it is that makes you feel relaxed and rejuvenated.

Having a sense of humor is really important, the phrase “laughter is the best medicine” is said for a reason. Give yourself permission to enjoy life.

Keeping a routine is very important. While it is not always possible, strive towards it. Routine provides us with security and stability, qualities that we all crave in life. Not everything has to center around the disease.”

What are the main relationship issues that affect couples after a diagnosis?

Yvonne O’ Meara - Psychosocial Oncologist & Systemic Psychotherapist / thisisGO.ie

“When your partner has been diagnosed with a cancer, it can have a devastating impact on them and you. Depending on your existing relationship with that person huge changes may take place within your relationship. While the old norm may never return, the new norm can often bring about positive changes to the relationship which can often be seen as the silver lining in the cloud. Unexpectedly there is an enormous opportunity to support someone emotionally and practically during their treatment and beyond. 

It is important to remember as you read this that everyone’s experience is not the same. There are different stressors that can happen depending on where you are at in your life cycle when cancer has come into your world.

You at this time may be wondering how you can help or assist your loved one. You may feel overwhelmed when you think too far ahead. Try not to worry there is a lot of help and support out there for you and your loved ones. Knowledge can be very empowering, always a good place to start is going to your local Daffodil center (An Irish Cancer Support Service in Specialists Cancer Hospital around the county), or local cancer center (please see service directory to see where your local support center is). 

Here are some general tips based on Synder’s model that can assist you.

• Communication

  • We all know the importance of communication, yet what does that translate to when cancer comes into your world. What we find is that there is an overwhelming sense of wanting to protect your loved one and they of you. It can often happen in what is a highly emotional time, that people suppress their normal and natural emotional response. Some examples of these may be crying, a sense of fear, anxiety and poor concentration. It may help if you can try to make a pact with your loved one that you promise to be as open and honest with them. Then ask the same in return. The fear of dying is often something that a partner may think about, yet never express this for fear of feeling that they are letting their loved one down. What we know is that questioning your mortality is really high when a cancer diagnosis comes into your world. You can name your fears in a way that is sensitive. You may need to make time for these conversations and timing is everything. So use your time wisely and getting buy-in from your loved one is key. Some possible options might be: 

  • “I don’t know about you but sometimes I lie awake at night and my mind races to all sorts of scenarios, I feel afraid of the future in a way that I never did, do you ever feel like this?....”

  • “How can we support each other’s fears? I don’t want you to ever think that you cannot speak your mind to me, I maybe saddened by what you say but I have your back and the chances are I am feeling those thoughts also…”

    Don’t be afraid to show your feelings, it will give the other person permission to show you theirs while reassuring them that you can handle it.

• How to help your partner during the initial stages of a diagnosis

  • What can often happen during this initial phase is your routine falls off the radar, as your days are filled with hospital appointments and planning. It can be helpful to sit down together and make time to go through the different areas of your life (work, social, home, community etc.) to see how each of these areas will be impacted as a result of the diagnosis. It can be helpful to break this into a timeline:

    • immediate

    • short term

    • long term.

  • There may be many unknowns, that’s ok. The important thing is that you are connecting and working through this together. It is key that those who want to continue to be as active during their treatment are encouraged to do so. These brainstorming sessions can be helpful to highlight where friends and family can help out in a very practical way (meal preparation, household cleaning and childcare for example). It is very possible that you may have to take on different roles than before within your household. So be kind to yourself when you can.

• Listen and give your loved one the space to react and reflect

  • It is a natural human response to try and “fix” things, particularly when you are witnessing the distress of a loved one. It can be challenging to sit and listen to emotions such as feeling scared, frightened, or sad. You may also feel the same as your loved one. The biggest gift that you can possibly give your partner is your ear. To be able to listen to their sadness, without solution or judgment, can be very hard, but they will thank you for it.

  • Being able to normalize their feelings can be helpful, as well as recognising how you feel, identifying that can also be very empowering. It can bring about a closeness and an honesty to the relationship that may or may not have previously existed.

  • Remember your partner's emotional outbursts are not directed at you, though at times it may feel like it. It is not uncommon that people feel rage and anger and display it with a scream or pounding a cushion for example. When they are ready to talk, be sure to let them know that they have your ear.”