”The bedroom became the place where I was dealing with treatment side-effects. It doesn’t feel like a sexy place anymore. How can my partner and I get excited despite those memories in our home?”

Emily Power-Smith - Sexologist & Educator

“Start in a different room. Make your room over so that it feels new and sexy for you both, if you’re both ready for that. Some people use sage stick and like the idea of cleansing a room of its old energy. Some find a new colour and new bedclothes help. Some prefer to find each other again in a different space all together. Give yourselves permission to try things out, and allow that things might not work. If you both have permission to make suggestions and try things, then ensure you have permission to stop things or change them if they aren’t working. That way it feels easier to try new things. Some people need a change of scene just to learn how to reconnect again and choose to do that on a break away. Play to your strengths and talk it through.”

My partner and I have never used sex toys but I’d like to try something new.. where should we start?

Emily Power-Smith - Sexologist & Educator

“Start by talking about it together. Don't  start by buying toys for each other as there is so much room for that to go wrong. Find out what you’re curious about. What sensation are you after? Go onto some educational sites like Pleasure Mechanics where you can see short video reviews of toys before you buy. Toys can be really expensive so if you find a toy you like the look of, you might want to start with a cheap version of that toy. If you do that, make sure to pop a condom over the toy when using it as the cheaper the toy, the less likely it is to be made of body safe materials such as medical grade silicone. The condom will prevent any nasty chemical leaching into your skin while you try out the toy. Then you can find the toy you like and invest in a more expensive, safer and better made toy such as the Lelo range. Nb: not all expensive toys are body safe!”

I don’t know whether / how to mention my cancer experience when I’m dating.. how can I bring it up with a new person?

Emily Power-Smith - Sexologist & Educator

“Don’t unless it’s relevant and you feel safe to do so. It’s going to be an important part of who you are and of your life experience. But you get to decide who you tell and how much you share. Take your time. I’m a fan of slowing down and taking care of our vulnerable parts by getting to know someone a bit before sharing more than feels comfortable. If you live with changes to your body/functioning, it’s important to let your prospective lover know in advance so that neither of you get surprised or become too vulnerable. How they cope with the conversations will help you to know if they’re the right person to take your clothes off with. Go slow. There is  no rush.”

My partner and I have gone through so much heaviness.. how can we bring a lighter atmosphere to sex?

Emily Power-Smith - Sexologist & Educator

“This is a lovely question and one that is best asked of your partner. Find out if you’re on the same page about lightening things first of all. Then spend some time figuring out what lightening things might look like. It’s easy to assume that you want the same things but quite often there can be subtle differences that can make or break an experience. “Lightening things up” to one person could mean playing dress- up and role-play. Another person might find that too much as a starting point and may need more to feel a solid connection before feeling ready to play. Timing is important.”

I do not know how to touch myself anymore. The sensation in my body is different to what it used to be. How can I make touching myself enjoyable again?

Emily Power-Smith - Sexologist & Educator

“Start alone, as it’s easier without the pressure of pleasing another person. Take the pressure off yourself to turn yourself on, and just start searching for touch that feels good. Give yourself time and a place that feels conducive to sensuality and pleasure. Breath and take your time. Our bodies change naturally over time and this is a solid practice for all of us whether we’ve been ill or not. So don’t worry. You might find that touching yourself in this context brings up feelings of loss or grief. That’s okay. It’s natural and appropriate. Try to lean into these feelings and keep your breath going. They will pass as your body releases them. It’s a healthy way to feel and to release. Try approaching your body with appreciation for surviving. Try approaching yourself with love and curiosity. Our bodies tend to open up more with that approache.I do not know how to touch myself anymore. The sensation in my body is different to what it used to be. How can I make touching myself enjoyable again?

Start alone, as it’s easier without the pressure of pleasing another person. Take the pressure off yourself to turn yourself on, and just start searching for touch that feels good. Give yourself time and a place that feels conducive to sensuality and pleasure. Breath and take your time. Our bodies change naturally over time and this is a solid practice for all of us whether we’ve been ill or not. So don’t worry. You might find that touching yourself in this context brings up feelings of loss or grief. That’s okay. It’s natural and appropriate. Try to lean into these feelings and keep your breath going. They will pass as your body releases them. It’s a healthy way to feel and to release. Try approaching your body with appreciation for surviving. Try approaching yourself with love and curiosity. Our bodies tend to open up more with that approach.”